car Asian girl wearing a cute body paint

car Asian girl wearing a cute body paint

car Asian girl wearing a cute body paint

6 [The Town-let/or *The Castle Tower of the City] Dieburg was not large by any means, but it was an interesting town; it was alive, and not many American GI's lived in Dieburg, lest they get scorned by the locals who still remembered WWII quite clearly, and the bombing by the Americans the city had to endure. Outside the city limits were grazing lands for a small heard of cows; and beyond that was an Army Nuclear Site, deep embedded within a wooded area. Thus, the city was really called; "Munster by Dieburg," for Munster was the city one had to go through--or might go through--to get to the site; where Adam had been stationed prior to his military discharge, and his taking over as the manager of the PX in Babenhausen. Munster (or Little Munster, there was another Munster in West Germany ((in the South)), called Big Munster); Dieburg was a few miles from Munster, as Munster was a few miles from the US Army Site. And Babenhausen was back a number of miles behind Dieburg. Thus, to get to the Military site from Babenhausen, you'd go to Dieburg, often, and then to Munster and then to the Site. Or one could bypass Dieburg, and go straight from Babenhausen to Munster and onto the Site. But in this case seldom did Carmen go to either places, that is, the Military Site near Munster or Munster itself; rather Babenhausen, or Dieburg, Darmstadt, some fifteen away.

Dieburg was an old city, with an old tower. An old church that still had bullet holes in its thick front wooden doors left over from the war, deep scars, like Carmen had, that did not seemed to fade with time.

As she parked her car by her apartment along side of the road, she lit another cigarette; she was becoming a chain smoker. In a habit-formed response she looked up at the first story window to see if Ivan (the landlord, fifty-seven years old) and his wife Anna Marie (forty-five) were home, she didn't see him, or his wife's pale moon face that looked like a mask of a balled Hindu priest, with an undisturbed calm about it, as she seemed always to have. Her big bay window was empty, and the curtains covered it for the most part, no movement, no one staring out, or around the curtains to see if she was coming home, as often one of them did. Perhaps their friends Heinz, Gisela and Helmut, were over playing cards she conjured in her mind; that would be on the other side of their apartment, not the bay window side, in the kitchen. Oddly enough, their kitchen was on the opposite side of hers.

Her mind now shifted on cool lemonade as she walked to the wrought-iron gates (with a spiked brick wall on each side of the gates), to the door of the duplex, and its few flowers that sat outside the large house: perennials, minced with daisies. She then got into the hallway, walked up the fourteen steps to the second floor.

As she paced her kitchen floor looking outside her window, the park looked so peaceful and picturesque. Spring was beautiful in Dieburg, she thought, but not the forthcoming nights. She then poured herself some lemonade.

[Nightly Ineptness] Sometimes she just wanted to disappear when she thought Adam or Günter was laughing at her. She was trying to stand on her own two feet, as a woman and individual, in spite of her age. Whatever it was, she felt she had no ability to put herself to sleep, other than drink herself drunk to do so at times, which she'd do a few times a week; knock herself out with the kick of booze; it was her idea, do it quick, before she could dream, or unwillingly enter the world of nightmares. But much too often she felt useless and not in control, if she could avoid night-sleep completely, all the better, she would have done so. On the other hand, if she could get a good night sleep, it would be God sent. On another note, there was no synagogue in Dieburg; she'd have to go to Frankfurt where her mother went for her spiritual needs, one might say, once a month or so; or to Darmstadt, yet that didn't help her sleeping dilemma.

She tried to sleep in her natural rhythm, but it would change, she tried to vision Adam staying overnight, for he had done so a few times in the beginning of their relationship, but she scared him off waking up screaming, and her heart pounding, as if she was running after the three SS-Soldiers who took her father from her in 1944, never to return again; that was the last time she had seen him.

She liked Adam, he had a long thick neck, how she remembered her father as; and broad shoulders, narrow hips, an impressive specimen of a man she'd deliberate, when alone; a young man of twenty-three; unbroken by the world yet, superimposed ideology.

7

Both of their natures were different in a sense, what they lacked was what they did not examine in fear of finding out, I would expect (Adam didn't know his weaknesses, which would come out in time; and Carmen, knew hers it seemed, and thus, became dependent on Adam for support, which he really couldn't give; couldn't give because of his own weaknesses). Somehow it seemed in the long run--for they had been dating close to a year now--in the long run, they could not recognized how to work out their differences--partly because of her catatonic condition [s], and his runaway reaction [s]; and to repeat myself, examine them in fear of having to put work into it; let me explain: Carmen needed success in business to feel good about herself, where few women enjoyed the challenge without male hindrance (remembering this was back in 1960) she needed it, and pushed the male part out of her way to find it, to get it. Adam, on the other hand, a good looking man in many ways, with more of a stable personality than Carmen, but could also be a heavy drinker, and a hot tempered man at times and was much more carefree than Carmen, too much so in his business, to where it affected his management of the store: that is to say, his fooling around with the help, didn't help his store's profits, he'd steal from it if need be to make it through the month, and fix the books to make it all filter out properly, all in the name of amusement. He had spent two years in the military, and took a European out [as it is called, when leaving the military and remaining in country], thus, acquiring a job as the manager for the government store [as they say in the military: the PX], under a civilian status. But again, not much was being worked on the relationship, in the sense of trying to preserve it and deal with the surfacing issues:

[Colorlessly] The days were gone--where their presence, would create a spark within them...Carmen didn't notice Adam's preoccupation almost matched hers; his being how to get out of the relationship that seemed to be getting progressively stronger, or worse; and trying to start another life for himself without her; whereas hers was trying to hang onto him by all means.

When Frantisek Andre showed up one Saturday, he was out of his office to meet her like a bolt of lightening, as if he was watching out a window for her. She was becoming his, if not hers also, developing distraction; both fancied one another; that is, while her husband was in training, she grew to liking Adam more and more; or so it seemed, that it was starting to be.

Frantisek looked at Adam, he looked so miserable she thought. "I thought it would be all right to make a little visit down to your PX, and see you, getting some bread for 'show and tell,' you know, so no one picks up on ..." she stopped, for nothing had really happened yet, it was all in the makings. "You're good for me dear," she said, something for him to think about was her intentions.

I would think, and Adam knew, or at least he felt it, Carmen loved him, but then she didn't seem to love herself, I suppose a self-esteem issue that was more noticeable recently. And what bothered him most was she seemed to, inescapably project, her lack of self-worth onto their relationship, or better put, onto him. True, self-esteem can be made healthier if we feel loved, which she was trying to pull from Adam, but it was hard for her to believe Adam loved her--I suppose it scared her. She could suffocate him at times, and that was another peeve with him: "Prove you love me," she'd say to him. As a result, it was hard for him to meet her needs.

But Adam loved her nonetheless--yet love is a challenge at times, and can be quite puzzling, and there were many danger signals he seemed to recognize in recent time. He was seeing her as she really was, not as he'd wished her to be (as back in Garmisch), and that again was a drawback. She needed help, and those dreams brought on frenzied, if not gloomy attacks, a dimness to his perspective on his wanting to have an ongoing relationship with her (so, unintentionally, he put her on probation within the vaults of his mind). And love was a decision, one he was not sure he could fully make, under such conditions.